Progress!!!

Oh. My. God.  Has it really almost a month since I last posted?????!!!!! Again, I have to start by apologizing that I am not posting every Monday as promised.  Sheesh, this is getting like homework assignments from high school!  I just need to learn to post more often so I don’t write so damn much and overwhelm myself!!  Short notes every Monday would be much better!  

 

So, where did I leave off?  Oh, yes, before Thanksgiving, which is why I haven’t posted as I had that week off of work and it’s hard to blog from home.  Thanksgiving went really well.  Everyone was concerned, myself included, that it would be emotionally and physically hard not to partake in the usual feast as I used to.  We hosted at my house, had my BFF and her husband and daughter over and it was really relaxed, nothing fancy.  They provided the 22 lb turkey (thank you BFF and hubby :)!  So I cooked that, along with stuffing, mashed potatoes, supreme green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, and mashed carrots/turnips – with rolls and punkin pie, of course.  

To make a long story short, the food was wonderful, but I filled up on some appetizers my BFF made (little pigs in blankets, nummy - my favorite - had about four of those babies! and spinach dip) and also, of course, picked at the turkey while carving.  SO by the time we all sat down and I had my food on my little tiny plate, I was already full!  But I had a few bites and called it good.  I thought I would be more remorseful that I couldn’t eat more, but it wasn’t that bad.  There was a little regret, but it didn’t ruin it for me, or make me angry or depressed or anything.  I knew the food would all be there later and I could have more later if I wanted.  I also had half a piece of punkin pie a few hours later, so no deprivation there!  I was bummed I couldn’t have the usual turkey bun sammiches for leftovers, but I did make one the next day, ate a few bites, and gave the rest to Fuzz.  And surprisingly enough, I was satisfied.  Of course, I wished I could eat a LITTLE more, but that's how I got to needing surgery!  All in all, it went really well, better than expected, and I didn't throw any food rage tantrums or have to go the bathroom and cry over my deprivation and loss, lol. 

As a side note, I did a LOT of grazing over the week and weekend.  I don’t have any routine or structure at home and do much better at work, and of course, picking at turkey and stuffing for four days here and there since I really couldn’t EAT it but for grazing and topping off, didn’t help.  I didn’t lose any weight that week…just fluctuated back and forth the same few pounds, but I don't think that's why as my calories are always under 900 or so a day.  I should mention that Thanksgiving was my fifth week out of surgery and I was on the last week of my restricted, soft food diet.  All the food was soft (cut with back of fork) but I did try, and tolerated fine, the turkey and ate it the next week, also. I've ALWAYS been one to push the limits and test out restrictions, and this surgery has been no different *sigh*.

So last week, Thursday, I finally graduated to ‘normal’ food and can now eat whatever I can tolerate, being careful, of course.  But I am one of those lucky ones who can tolerate anything, and who has not gotten sick once.  I never had to eat just two teaspoons of jello or yogurt, I can eat a half cup of food or almost a cup of soup without any issues.  I was worried for a while I wasn’t restricted enough, but that was just silly worry as I definitely have restriction, especially with compared to my life before!  I think we all worry that this surgery isn't going to work 'for me' - that I will be the one it will fail for.  We have been damaged with SO MANY diet failures and have felt like such failures again and again with diets, it's ingrained in us that 'this won't really work either.'  But, as I have learned and researched, the weight will come off - it's almost impossible to NOT have it come off with our tiny tummies.  

Last week, Fuzz sand I were out late (buying my new car!!) and we needed to grab food on the way home.  We stopped by a little burger/diner stand and I ordered a small mushroom melt cheeseburger for me and Baby C to split.  No fries or anything, Fuzz had plenty of extras to share if needed!  I cut the baby cheeseburger in half, gave half to Baby C, and then cut the other half in half again (quartered) and took the top bun off.  I ate almost the whole quarter, and most the mushrooms off the other quarter and was DONE.  Phew…felt like Thanksgiving dinner in the old days!  Was amazed as before I would have easily have eaten what my darling hubby did, which was a double bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a diet soda.  Oh, I did have about three small fries.  I now almost always eat less than Baby C, our three-year old.  My plates are smaller than his and I often can’t finish them.  I’m at under 1000 calories a day, around 30-40 gm of carbs, and 70 gm of protein.  So doing well!!  Lots of deli meat, cheese, smoked salmon, jerky steak bites from Costco, protein shakes and bars, and normal dinners with the boys (just much smaller).  Now that I am on a ‘regular’ diet, I need to start incorporating more fruits and veggies…just don’t know how since I have so little room, how would I then get in my protein?  It really is a dilemma!  I want to try salad….some places say to wait three months, my doc and nutritionist don’t have that rule, but I’ve heard lettuce gives a lot of us sleevies issues.  Some not at all…I am guessing that since I have been lucky to date, I will probably be just fine.  I even had some corn on Monday, no issues, so there you go! We’re having a dinner party this weekend and I’m making Caesar salad so I’ll let you all know how it goes down! I would LOVE a chef salad, small, of course. 

So, to weigh in!!!  I’m now at 269.8.  Below 270....yay!!! Finally broke another stall where I was fluctuating between 271-271 all week.  Ugh.  I need to get down to 255 for the Christmas Challenge (on verticalsleevetalk.com) but I don’t think I can do 15 pounds in two a half weeks.  I thought I was too aggressive when I set and readjusted my goal, but like I said, what do I have to lose but weight!!!  I know I will lose it, just don’t think that much.  I seem to hover a lot for a week or so, then lose a few pounds here and there. I think I'm a slow loser, then when I update my tickers and graph, I see that I'm doing pretty well!  It's just that the weight stays the same for so many days at a time, and even goes up(!) that it seems slow, but it's really not.  I've lost 33 lbs since 10/20, six weeks.  That averages 5.5 lbs a week!  Damn...that's the first time I figured that out - now I'm really happy and know I'm not a slow loser, sheesh!  I’m also worried that I haven’t lost very many inches. I carry most of my fat in my tummy and I’ve only lost about 4 inches in my waist.  Which is not much.  I’m worried my weight loss is muscle….but we’ll see.  With my PCOS and other hormonal issues, I’m not the usual when it comes to weight loss.  My clothes are a little looser, people say they can see it in my face.  Not a lot of people have commented, though, as it’s only been 33 pounds and I still have 100 to lose. I figure when I get to about 50 down, that when people will really start to comment.  No smaller clothes yet, either, but I'm right on the cusp of that, too.  I could probably do a smaller bra, and squeeze into smaller pants, but I don't want to squeeze.....ever again!  I want things to fit comfortable, so I'll wait and bide my time! 

Wait, make that 99.4 lbs to lose, not 100!!!!  Whoo hoo!!! That’s right, with this morning’s break into the 260’s, I also now have less than 100 lbs to lose AND I also am now under 40 BMI!!  I started at 44.6 BMI and as of this morning I am now at 39.8!  Yay!  Two other goals realized!  So even if I don’t make my Christmas Challenge, I am sure I will make my original goal (at the right) to weigh 265 by New Year’s (Baby C’s third birthday is New Year’s Eve).  So I KNOW I will make my original goal, which makes me happy, and will probably surpass it a bit.  Don’t think I’ll make 255, but I will make my original goal and that makes me happy!! Those who know me know I always reach my goals eventually...which is why I was hesitant to overshoot for the Christmas Challenge, but now I'll know for next time - it was my first challenge after my surgery so I had no way of knowing how fast or slow I would lose.  I'll know better for next time!

So, my lovelies....till next time.  I really will try to post more often (not like you are all waiting with bated breath for my next entry, but you know...)

Thanks for reading my babblings and I hope I am helping some, inspiring others.  Talk to you next week!!! 

Comments.....

Okay, I think I finally figured it out.  I kept hearing that people were trying to leave comments, but couldn't. I changed the settings so anyone can leave comments now, so........please do? Feels kind lonely out here by myself.....   Is there anyone out there??

Starting to figure it out!

Today is Monday!!  Know what that means???  It’s official weigh in day!  But, like a good TV series, I am going to keep you on the cliff till the very end!! 

 

So I am happy to report I am doing MUCH better in the eating department!  I have been successfully scheduling my meals, getting in all my water, eating at just the right amount of calories, or under.  I do need to get in more protein, but I think that will really improve by this Thursday when I finally graduate to ‘soft’ foods, or anything I can cut with the back of a fork.  Here I come fish, turkey meatloaf, lunch meat and regular cheese!  I am SO excited to be able to eat somewhat regular and be able to eat what my family is eating!!  That will also help keep me fuller longer, when I have more solid food in my little banana tummy.   I am thinking I will also be able to eat Thanksgiving dinner!  You can cut turkey with a fork, right!??

I have also been in a better state of mind.  I know I can overcome my food demons.  In fact, it’s already becoming somewhat normal to eat my really small portions.  I am learning not to look forward to eating food.  I noticed that this weekend, while driving home from the grocery store, I was thinking about the potato cheese soup I was going to be making for dinner and how normally I would be excited and really looking forward to it, but then it hit me…..I thought, There’s no reason to get all excited about this anymore….yes, it’s going to taste good, and yes, you’re looking forward to it, but really?  You are only going to be able to eat a few tablespoons!!   Less than a half cup!!  It’s hardly even worth getting excited for and not worth looking forward to for hours.  

So, that was one of my many epiphanies I’m sure I’m going to have A LOT of.  There’s no need to look forward to eating anymore.  I truly believe that desire will naturally wane as I get more used to eating much smaller, ‘normal’ portions.  I don’t believe it will ever be completely gone.  I will still look forward to going out to a nice dinner, or Thanksgiving, etc, but with only being able to eat ½ cup food, it really doesn’t have the same draw!!  I’m not having that ‘empty’ feeling like I was a week ago…that mentally bereft feeling and that need just to ‘taste’ and ‘fill up’.  

There are some theories out there that it takes a while for the ghrelin hormone to deplete  your system after sugery, which is maybe why I was still feeling hunger, but honestly, I think it was the start of the mental adjustments I need to make.  You know when you quit smoking and the urge is horrible at first, but slowly gets better?  I think that’s what it is….was really bad as the realization really set in that I truly really couldn’t eat what I wanted anymore.  Now it’s like, okay, so what, get on with your life and deal with it.  Time to start to find other things to look forward to, to do in food’s absence.  Still working on that one, folks!  I’m not the type to take up scrapbooking or knitting :)   The natural thing everyone says it’s ‘exercise’!  I have every intention of starting that…Fuzz and I are joining the Y at the beginning of the year. Still need to work out scheduling with Baby C, etc, but we’ll figure it out.  I am thinking that’s a perfect time to start…I’ll be down about 30-35 pounds, I’ll have a much better handle on my new way of eating and my new period of adjustment will be pretty much over so I won’t need to concentrate on that, the holidays will be over, and we’ll have a bit more moola to drop $85/month on a health club!! 

So things are going well!  Here is the weight update….I got on the scale this morning and it was 281.6!!  My clothes are starting to feel a little tiny bit looser, but not much.  I’ve lost a total of 10 inches off tummy, chest, thighs so far.  No one has noticed I look smaller, of course.  20 pounds off a 300 lb person is like 2 pounds off a 125 lb person!  It’ll be a while before people start to notice, but that’s okay.  For the first time in my life, I am being patient!  I am taking this journey day by day – truly realizing it’s a journey and not just a destination.  I want to enjoy every little change, every non-scale victory (NSV) like crossing my legs, tummy not touching the steering wheel, etc.  I already have a ton more energy, but I think that’s from me not taking all my medications anymore, and eating less and more healthy.  I do notice I can bend over easier already!  That is a big one!!  

Almost to the 270’s!  Haven’t been 270 in about five years (except for when I had Baby C and my body was ‘normal’ for about three months, before it all came rushing back with my PCOS symptoms!)  I don’t know if I’ll hit my goal of 265 by December 31, though.  Kind of worried about that.  I was even overly cautious when I set it….a lot of others who have had this surgery easily met that goal and surpassed it (35 pounds in little over two months), so I thought for sure I could do it but I’ve had a few stalls already.  I hope to God I’m not a slow loser, but then I’ve got to tell myself, when else have you EVER been able to lose more than 20 pounds in three weeks….and keep it off FOREVER!!!  There is a Christmas challenge on verticalsleevetalk.com that I joined.  Since it’s a Christmas challenge, I threw in that I would be down to 265 by Christmas, a full week before my original goal!  Yikes!   We’ll see.  I know it’s out of my hands…I can’t overeat or sabotage myself this time, it’s all in what my body chooses to do right now.  Later on, I will have more control when I am eating more, and exercise will then play a part, but right now so early on I just have to coast and see what happens!  Anyone wanna join my Christmas challenge??  What do you think you can get down to by 12/25?? 

Need to gain control.....

Okay, so I need to get a grip.  I gotta tell you, I didn’t think I’d have such a hard time with the head hunger thing.  I mean, I KNEW it would be a hard transition, but I thought I would be able to overcome bad habits since this is the biggest and best chance I will EVER have to live a healthy, long life.  I didn’t think I would create NEW bad habits!!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned this feeling that every time I ate, it felt like food was sitting in my esophagus – this odd pressure feeling.  Well, I believe this IS because I’m overeating and not because of any restriction.  Now, remember, my overeating is eating ½ cup instead of 1/3 cup   So I’m not gorging, but I do think I’m overeating.  The main problem is that my actual tummy never feels ’full’.  I don’t know if, since they cut out the stretchy part of the stomach (fundus), that they cut out the ‘stretch receptors’ that tell you when you’re full, but my tummy itself doesn’t feel full, but I know I’m full when there is food in the lower part of my esophagus.  This is not good since I’m now using this as a guide to feel full. 

Now, bring in the emotional, head hunger part of it.  It is hard to stop eating at only a 1/3 or ½ cup of food, especially when it tastes good.  We all know that, we all overeat when food is really good and poke it in till we are full, that’s why the obese get obese!   But in a way this is worse, because I only get a couple of nibbles in and then I HAVE to be done.  Which means I MENTALLY feel unsatisfied and incomplete.  I really, really need to get a grip on this because I have started ‘grazing’, or what I call ‘topping off’.  Like, I’ll eat a scrambled egg for breakfast, and I’ll have that full feeling (up top, not in my tummy), then in about 15 – 20 minutes, the pressure feeling goes away, then I’ll go take a couple more bites of something, seafood or chicken salad, or refried beans, till that pressure feeling comes back, etc, etc, all day!!  This is DISASTROUS!!  It’s been proven time and again that bariatric patients fail and gain back weight because they learn to graze to overcome the loss of bingeing.  They can’t eat huge amounts, so they eat little amounts constantly.  The other downside of this, is that because I’m always topping off, I can’t drink my fluids like I’m supposed to.  You’re not supposed to drink until ½ hour, 45 minutes after a meal, but I never let my little pouch empty like it should.  So, I’m not getting in enough water, either.  *SIGH*  This really is a transition and you really, really have to get over the fact that you will not feel mentally satisfied or replete at first, for a  while, until this becomes the new normal.  At least, I HOPE it’s temporary.  I’m also hoping it will get better when I can eat more substantial food, then food will stay in my tummy longer and hopefully I’ll feel fuller longer.  But again, most of it is mental and I need to overcome that full feeling with satisfaction and overall well-being.  I just need to eat to nourish myself and not for pleasure or comfort.  I will be able to enjoy wonderful food again, just not a lot, and I need to be okay with that.  I know I will be, but it’s tough right now!  Like an alcoholic with just a couple of drops of wine three times a day

So, all that being said, I need to gain control of this and gain control fast.  Yesterday I started doing what I am SUPPOSED to do.  Eat three meals a day, measure out my food and eat only what I measure out.  Small snacks in between meals, no more bites here and there.  And DRINK ½ hour after I eat.  So, breakfast at 8, drink, drink, drink.  If I get hungry before noon, I just drink some more.  Around 10, I can have a Laughing Cow wedge or something small.  Then more water/tea, then lunch, etc, etc.  NO MORE TOPPING OFF.  I need to get control of my new life and my new healthy eating habits now and not create new bad ones to overcompensate for my mental loss of large amounts of food.  I know I can do this.  Yesterday I did really well.  I also measured out less than ½ cup portions and stopped eating before I was done and the pressure feeling wasn’t as bad and even non-existent in some cases.  I actually enjoyed it, the structure and the feeling over control over food instead of the other way around.  I think I’ve been lackadaisical and unstructured because I’m still just a little over two weeks out and I tell myself, “Oh, you can only have pureeds, so it’s not that bad…once you can eat real food, you’ll figure it out, yada, yada, yada”.  But those are excuses.  I need to get into a routine and pattern now to get the most weight loss I can in the first year, the Honeymoon period, as they call it. 

Now, Mom, don’t worry….I’ll be fine and I will overcome this and figure it out (I know she’s reading this and worried about me….she always did wonder how I would be satisfied on so little food…she knows me).  It’s not as bad as it sounds….it’s just trying to find different ways to think about things and recognizing the emotions that go into eating, the pleasure, the flavors, etc, and constantly telling yourself, I am fine, I am full, I AM satisfied….until it becomes second nature and you’re not left with the wanting feeling.  None of us would have ever become fat if we had healthy relationships with food, so now I need to get some good self-therapy to find my happy places that don’t include food  

Till next time, all.  I’ll keep you posted on my journey!!  Any comments, insights, suggestions, smacks upside the head, are welcome!  Is anyone even reading this??  Have a great day and I’ll talk at you soon!

Monday Weigh In....

FINALLY the scale moved.  Dang.....I was so ready to call out the fat cell police and tell them to open the damn flood-gates!  So, I was down to 285.4 last Monday on the 1st, then shot back up to 288 the next day, then hovered all week around 287/286/288.  Was SOOO frustrating.  I mean, I know my body is in shock, and it's panicked, and I know stalls are totally normal, but man, it was frustrating. 

But today, today....I got on the scale this morning and finally it was down to 284.2!!!  Actually, the SCALE wasn't down to 284.2, I WAS!!!  It's ME that's down to 284.2.  So now hopefully the scale will keep moving until my next stall, which hopefully will be at least a few weeks away.  I decided that Monday will be my 'official' weigh in and record day.  I mean, I weigh every day, I can't help it, I'm addicted, but officially I will use Monday's weight.  I was going to do Thursday, as that was the day of my surgery, but Mondays seem so much cleaner, somehow.  Weird....

 

 

So can I just say I LOVE my sleeve.  I have to admit I was really worried about the surgery, the chance of a possible leak (very, very rare!), that something might happen to make this not the dream it seemed to be.  But everything has gone off without a hitch (knock on every piece of wood around!)  I honestly often forget I have had this done.  Just last night I reached for one of Baby C’s Reese’s cups from his Halloween bucket without thinking.  I almost wish there were something physical to remind me, like a stomach cramp, or something like a shock collar! 

At first my tummy felt like I had been doing sit ups for three days straight, but it’s now much, much better   My surgeon says that they insert air in between the muscle and abdominal wall which stretches the muscle out, hence the soreness.  A few days ago, I stretched up and out too much while reaching for something and it feels like I tore my muscles in there like a really bad workout.  So I’ve been more sore for a couple days, but even that is now almost completely gone.  And my incisions are healing beautifully I am putting Bio-Oil on them every night and every morning out of the shower. 

So I had refried beans last week for the first time.  I got them through a wonderful little Mexican restaurant down the road from my work, so they are more runny than the canned kind….and they were SO FREAKIN’ good!!!  I asked for extra cheese on top and mixed it all in and it was the best soft, warm comfort food ever!  Good fiber and protein.  And I have lots for leftovers!  More carbs than I thought though….can’t be a regular once I can eat ‘real’ food. 

I’ve been a little concerned for a while since it’s so easy for me to eat almost ½ cup of food at a time, like mashed potatoes, ricotta bake, whatever.  It seems like a lot to eat so soon after my surgery.  I keep reading on the boards that a lot of people can only handle a few teaspoons!!??  There is no discomfort or pain, so I’m pretty sure I’m not overdoing it.  I do still feel like there is a restriction where my esophagus meets my tummy as whenever I eat, it seems to just sit there for awhile.  This concerns me as my leak test the day after surgery showed the contrast not going down at all, not for a while until I walked around the ward for 10 minutes.  It still seems ‘tight’ but it’s not painful or unmanageable and I’m sure it will continue to loosen up, as it has so far.  Drinks go down fine, now, and they used get hung up a bit.  Then again, maybe the esophagus thing is a sign of being full?  Maybe my tummy doesn’t feel full anymore, but my esophagus feels it?  Am I overeating??  Hmmmm…..I’ll have to find out on the boards, verticalsleevetalk.com. 

I  will try to get a pic up of my incisions so you can see how little they are and how well they are healing.  I know I was curious as to how those looked before my surgery.  I also want to get before pics up so I can track my progress month by month. 

Take care, my lovelies, and I will see you soon in my Cupcake (Cheeseburger) Dreams!! 

And Today I Weigh......

We'll get to my weight a little bit later :)  

I just realized I should have named my blog Cheeseburger Dreams...everyone who knows me knows I don't like sweets, and that cheeseburgers are my favorite food...but Cupcake Dreams sounded so CUTE!  And oh Lord, have I been craving me some cheeseburger!!!

Anwhoozle, back to my story.  So today I am 12 days out from surgery.  I get to start pureed foods tomorrow.  Which to me seems no different than full liquids.  My paperwork says full liquids are strained cream soups, runny Cream of Wheat, protein drinks, yogurt, pudding, applesauce.  Pureeds says anything that is no thicker than applesauce (can be drawn through a straw, but you don't use a straw) with no chunks.  So....what is the difference?  Pudding is already thicker than applesauce, but I have been allowed that?  I don't understand.  Everything that everyone else eats on this stage is thicker than applesauce and can't be sucked through a straw - refried beans and cheese, mashed potatoes, pureed soups (not strained but no chunks and thick) so I'm confused!!  

But not too confused.  I have a confession to make.  I've been cheating.  Not really CHEATING, as in you're on a diet and you got through McDonald's for lunch and then DQ for dessert and then have pizza for dinner, but I have been eating more than full liquids.  It started on Saturday.  I am starting to get hungry.  Not starving hungry, but hungry!    I've been subsisting on about 400 calories a day and my swollen tummy is not so swollen anymore, and I'm basically feeling almost totally back to normal, except for some sore tummy muscles if I stretch too far, so my body is like "FEED ME".  But just not so loud as it was before since my tummy no longer produces ghrelin, the hunger hormone.  It is controllable.  But it's getting increasingly harder to watch other people eat things I love!  Friday night my Bosom Buddy was over and we ordered pizza and her and Fuzz (my hubby) and our kids bathed and drooled all over that gooey, cheesy, greasy goodness.  As I sat and watched the food orgy, I confess, I was wanting a damn piece of pizza!  So what did I do?  I cheated.  No, I did not eat a piece of pizza with my new week-old tummy, but I did steal a mushroom off my son's piece and chewed and chewed and chewed the hell out of it to turn it into applesaucy mush before I swallowed it.  Then I was okay, oddly enough.  Thank you, Sleevie Wonder.   

So Saturday comes and I go grocery shopping and I decide it's time for something of substance.  So I get some Bob Evans mashed potatoes and some jarred turkey gravy.  That night, I made about 1/3 cup of mashed potatoes with some butter and jarred gravy to thin them out.  Oh my god, was it good!!  Now, mashed potatoes are not on the full liquids diet, but I figured I was close to Wednesday (LOL!) and the most important decision was that many, many other post-sleeve programs allow pureeds and mushies at this stage.  And there were no chunks, and it was thin.  

Then I worry, am I just justifying what I ate like I used to do?  Is this a bad habit coming back?  But then I realize, no, you need to eat, you are truly hungry, and adding 200 calories to your already 300 per day is not going to make(keep) you fat!  And once I can start eating 'normally', or what my new normal will be, I will be able to eat substance, which will definitely keep me full longer and allow me to feel like I am eating again!  But that's not allowed until November 30.   The countdown has started.  

See.  This is why I need to post more often.  Each one of these experiences should be it's own post!  They will get shorter, I promise. 

As a side note, the worst part so far, with the hunger and cravings, was Sunday night.  Fuzz, Baby C, and I went to Costco to get the usual and since it was later, they got Costco hot dogs and a chicken bake for dinner.  That was the absolute worst so far.  The smell of the hot dogs, the juices running out of it as I fed it to my child, the warm, soft bun, the oozy ketchup.  I confess.  I cheated again.  I actually took a bite, chewed it slowly, savored every soft, warm, juicy, salty bite.....and then spit it out into napkin.  But I overcame it, and survived.

So this week I am sort of introducing mushies and pureeds, before Wednesday, because I am getting hungry.  I made a beautiful Ricotta Bake with sauce and cheese, which is thicker than applesauce, but so damn good (Thank you, Eggface!)  And I've been eating my mashed potatoes.  And I've even snuck a weird bite of this and that, chewed it to sawdust before I swallowed it.  I think today, I might even try some thinned out refried beans with melted cheese!  Don't worry, I really don't think I'm overdoing it.  I do eat very slow, make sure I can tolerate it, and only about 1/4-1/2 cup at a time.   No chunks, nothing of substance, nothing that can get 'stuck' or hurt my staple line.

So is all this worth it?  You tell me.  I started this journey at 300 el-bees, actually 302, and this morning I got on the scale and I weigh 285.  that's 17 pounds in 12 days.  Course, a lot of that is water weight, and anyone can lose that in a week or two of severe crash dieting, which is basically what I have been doing.  But this time, Ladies and Gents, IT'S NOT COMING BACK!!! EVER!!!!  It's just going to keep melting off me, probably at a slower pace, and I will have stalls as my body adjusts, but I will continue to shrink.  And so, yes, I believe it is worth.  And if anyone...anyone.....asks me if they should do this, I would stand from the rooftops and shout "YES" from the top of my lungs.   

Surgery done! On my way!!!!

See??!!  I TOLD you I was worried I would be bad about keeping this up.  I knew it would be tough before surgery since there was really nothing to report on, but I thought after surgery, it would be a daily thing.  I was wrong :(   Part of the problem was that while at home recovering from surgery, I was reading and lurking from my little netbook on my recliner and it's too hard to type while sitting in a recliner on a netbook! 

But today I am back at work (yesterday first day back) so now I am at my desk and fully present again!

All the days leading up to surgery, since I last posted, were uneventful.  I was worried more about this surgery than any other I've had, and of course was worried as I have a beautiful little boy who needs his mommy, but never once did I doubt the decision I had made.  

So, to make a long story short (which by now, you probably know I can't do!), I had a fantastic surgery with no complications, very little pain, very fast recovery....pretty boring overall.  I was surprised when I woke up from surgery how much pain I was in, though, even with a PCA pump.  I thought it would be minimal compared to other surgeries, but I was surprised.  Especially for me, since I have a VERY high tolerance to pain and heal really fast.  (I was walking the halls and carrying my baby the same day as my C-section with the nurses yelling at me the whole time).  I was fine by the next day, though.  Not perfect, was sore and was definitely moving around gingerly, but I was okay with my pain meds.  I was off my pain meds by day 4, even my liquid Tylenol. 

I had one scare the day after during my leak test (drink contrast while the doctor watches on a screen).  I went down to radiology and drank this nasty, foul, awful contrast (worse than normal contrast in case it gets in your body through a potential leak).  I was afraid I was going to have to drink about 8 oz, but they said only about 1-2, so that was good.  At this point, I was so freakin' thirsty, I thought ANY kind of wetness would be good, but boy was I wrong!  That stuff is soooooo bitter!  Anyhoo, I stood in front of the scanner, drank my cocktail, and waited, but the radiologist told me it wasn't moving...it was stuck at the bottom of my esophagus and not going anywhere.  I asked if that was normal, and he said, not really -it's normal to have it go really slow, but not to not move at all.  So then I started to get worried.  He had me sit for about 5 -10 minutes, then had me stand in front of the scanner again, but it still hadn't moved.  Now I was getting MORE worried.  I was SOOO thirsty and I know they weren't going to let me drink, obviously, if I couldn't get anything down!  So then he had me go for a walk around the radiology dept and come back. Once I got back and stood in front of the scanner again, a little had moved all the through, but most was still stuck up top.  They didn't make me drink anymore nasties, though.  Then he said he would call my doctor to discuss, but I still could not have anything by mouth.  Now, I had had surgery at 7:30 the preceding morning and I wasn't even allowed ICE CHIPS!  Nothing by mouth meant NOTHING, I guess.  And I was so dry. 

So went back to my room all worried about the leak test since almost nothing went through...did I have a stricture already?  Was I just really swollen??  And how could they know if I had a potential leak because they didn't see the fluid go through?? 

Anyway, my doctor came a little bit later on his rounds, told me everything looked fine, enough went through where they could see if there were leak problems or potential and not to worry about the fluid not going down, it was only because I was swollen and it would ease.  But the most important thing was that I could have fluids now!  Hallelujah!!!  After that, it was uneventful and I was home by five that day. 

At home, it was really weird trying to drink as there was always that 'pressure'....this little 'hangup' before whatever I'd drank decided to move into my new little tummy.  I was very conscious of this because of my failed leak test and figured liquid was just hanging out in my esophagus and I didn’t want to ‘flood’ myself.  I would just drink really, really slow and it slowly got better, day by day.  I started on full liquids, so I was drinking protein shakes, Carnation instant breakfast with fortified milk and unflavored protein (which is NEVER unflavored), strained cream soups.  Not much the first few days, obviously.  I didn’t even try to get in the 700 calories and 50 grams of protein minimum my doctor wanted.  There was no way.  I just drank water to keep hydrated and took in what I could.  As they days went on, the more I take.  I was actually surprised by day five or so what I could take in.  I had always read that people couldn’t even take in four teaspoons of liquid, but I could drink an 8oz shake in about a half hour (after about 3-4 days, that is).  But still, that pressure if I took too big of sips, or too many at once.  And through all this, NO HUNGER, thank God.  I did have small, very small cravings, like “wouldn’t that be good,” or wouldn’t that taste good right now”, but easily ignored and looked over as the head hunger it was. 

So, just day after day, each day got better, each day I could take in a little more.  Which leads to today….which I will continue in the next post, since this one is getting SOOOO long!!!

Holidays and TURKEY!!!!

Disclaimer - not MY turkey!

So, you’re not going to believe what I did.  Or, for those of you that know me, you will!  I know that since I’m having my surgery on the 20^th, I will not be able to ever again pig out on Thanksgiving. No two plates of food, going back to the kitchen to pick at the turkey and stuffing multiple times, having another mini-plate later in the evening, punkin pie, and God forbid, no more turkey bun sammiches!!!! (Can you tell those are my favorite?) 

I have thought long and hard about what it will be like with the loss of food after my new ‘birthday’.  Will I really miss eating a big ole’ cheeseburger and fries?  No.  Will I miss eating half a pizza?  No.  Will I really miss eating anything in large quantities and will this depress me and make me feel deprived?  No, I really don’t think so.  I thought it would at first, but the closer I have come in this long journey, I am really, truly looking forward to being FREE from food for the first time in my life.  I no longer have to wonder 'If I order this, will it be ENOUGH'.  'Is that ENOUGH food on my plate?’  ‘Will there be ENOUGH food at so-and-so’s dinner?’  My Grandma thinks I starved to death in a previous life and I think she’s right!  I know with the sleeve, I can have whatever I want, whenever I want, just in MUCH smaller quantities.  There are no ‘forbidden foods’.  Like with the band, you will probably never eat bread or pasta again – not for me.  Dumping syndrome with bypass.  And don’t even get me started on other diets in which you can have celery and water and that’s it!!  Even all those multiple times I was on Weight Watchers, I was sad I couldn’t have an avocado ‘cause it would blow nearly my whole day’s points! 

The main reason I am having this surgery is so I can be NORMAL.  My mother, bless her little soul, is thin and healthy, always has been.  There are many, many naturally thin people in the world who are ‘allowed’ to have a small slice of cake at a birthday party.  Or who can have some chips and dip at a party.  Or who can go out to eat in a restaurant and indulge once in a while.  Granted, this is all in moderation.  They don’t feel constantly guilty about what they put in their mouths.  They don’t beat themselves up and go flog themselves in the bathroom with the scale the next morning.  They are normal and FREE from food.  Now, I know it’s not nirvana for them.  They do think, hmmm, I probably shouldn’t eat this – but it’s not near the guilt and remorse I feel.  And with the sleeve, I believe I can enjoy those things every once in a great while, too, and not feel like I’m going to Dieter’s Hell for falling off the wagon, YET AGAIN!  When you’re fat, it’s like you’re an alcoholic – can’t just have one beer, ever.  Can’t just have one chip, ever.  Or sakes alive, don’t go out to eat and order something unhealthy off the menu!  No way, not EVER AGAIN.  You have to change your eating habits FOREVER. 

Before everyone yells at me and tells me that having this surgery does not mean you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, let me say I realize that.  I know, and have every intention, of eating healthy and making the oft-quoted ‘lifestyle change’.  Eating my lean protein and veggies is top priority because when you can only fit ½ to 1 cup in your gullet, you better make it nutritionally count.  But I can tell you, when I do indulge (and I will, like a NORMAL person) I know every little bite, every little morsel, every little flavor nuance will be savored and enjoyed.  Unlike now, when I can Hoover through a meal and barely taste it, like when you throw a raw piece of meat at a dog!  I know if I go out to eat, I can order something I truly enjoy and have FOUR dinners from it, not just one, inhaled in a hurry.  I will not feel deprived, or upset.  I will be FREE!  I know there will some transition difficulties, I’m not naïve.  I am breaking a lifetime’s worth of habits and comforts, almost overnight.  And I’m being forced to do so, in a way, because of the choice I made.  There will be some frustration, but in the long run it will all settle down and I will finally, hopefully, have a healthy relationship with food (just remind me of this 3-4 weeks after surgery, K, when it’s supposedly the worst!!  Or, I’ll print this and put it up everywhere I can see it!)

So that brings us to TURKEY.  I did realize I would miss Thanksgiving dinner and the assorted orgasmic leftover treats and rituals that go with it.  So, what did I do?  I cooked a big turkey dinner this weekend!  Yep, that’s right, a 22-lb turkey, replete with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, bacon green beans, buns, punkin pie – THE WORKS!  And, man, was it good.  We’re still eating off that bird.  And, I made a big pot of broth and soup off the carcass to freeze for after the surgery!  And you know what, NOW I am settled.  Now I know I can sit with my family and enjoy Thanksgiving and not feel remorse that I can’t eat like I used to.  Not that I’m sure I would have, but now I know I won’t.  That was truly the only thing I knew I would miss, and with it being so close after surgery, I may not even be able to choke down solids by then.  So, we had an early Thanksgiving!  And I’m glad I did it.  Not an ounce of guilt, and not one pound gained, either!  Amazing. 

So, here’s to my new life (raising a drumstick in a toast), and to everyone out there who is ‘listening’ to my ramblings.  I truly think I am ready for this.  Then again, those who had the surgery says you are never ready, you really can’t prepare for the roller coaster I will be on.  It’s like pregnancy, you can go to Lamaze classes, visit the hospital, read a library full of books, but when the labor pains start, Whoa Nelly, what the hell was that and WHAT was I thinking??!! 

So, we’ll see.  I’m buckled in and the car is ratcheting up the first hill; click, click, click…nearing the top in a few weeks….no butterflies yet in my tummy, but I know they will come! 

And I’m so glad you are here with me……

Fears, Musings, Ramblings....

So, here I am.  Trying to get emotionally prepared for a surgery on October 20, 2011 that will completely change my life.  No, it won’t make me magically happy – life still has its issues.  I will still get mad at my wonderful hubby who doesn’t deserve it; I will still get frustrated at work; I will still wake up cranky as hell (never been a morning person); I will still worry about financial issues.  But truly, my life will change in so many inconceivable ways. 

At first, I was worried about the small, teeny-tiny chance something might happen to me on the operating table, depriving my child of his mommy.  But logically I know how truly remote that is.  And I have been so focused on the details – what I can and can’t eat after surgery; how long I’ll be on clears liquids, then full liquids, then mushies; what I can expect pain and discomfort-wise; preparing for the loss of comfort in not being able to eat when/what/how much I want.  And honestly, I really think I am truly prepared for all of those little details.  I imagined how it will be to fit in normal clothes, cross my legs, fit in the bathtub, etc, etc.  But never once did I think about how my overall life will change. 

Once I was approved by insurance and the surgery (just this week) I realized what my true fears were.  Now let me note that I am a pretty strong woman, not easily brought down, or intimidated. I am not an anxious person by any means, I EMBRACE change (thank you, Mom, for instilling that in me!) and am almost always the calm, logical one in any situation.  That being said – I realized with full force this week that my life as I have always known it will no longer be.  It’s even taken me a few days to digest this – hence why I haven’t blogged till today.   I have to be prepared to not be invisible anymore.  I have to be prepared to not use my fatness as an excuse to not accomplish things – from things as simple to painting my living room, to maybe pursuing loftier job positions/promotions or taking my child to the park as often as I should.  Hell, let’s be honest – to not even want to walk up the stairs to grab the laundry that I’ve needed to do for over a week or scrub the shower!!

I’m starting to come to the realization that the ONLY thing stopping me from doing or achieving many things was my weight, or at least I thought it was.  Now that the weight will be gone, I actually need to LIVE.  This is exciting on so many levels, but also frightening.  I will have no more ‘insulation’, no more invisibility.  I never in my life thought that I shrank from anything, but with the realization right here in front of me that I will be normal, thin, and healthy – it’s bringing up odd thoughts and realizations.  I am an accomplished, intelligent woman, have always succeeded in obtaining whatever I wanted in life, so I never realized how much I let my fatness hide me from everything.  Not that I wanted to hide me as I’m not a shrinking violet,  but that I let it hold me back from so many things. 

It’s like I told my mother, it’s going to be like living on the other side of the world for a while, or another planet. Those who have never been morbidly obese have NO idea what’s it like to live in our world.  The things they take for granted, simple things, that we can’t do or avoid doing.  Like being able to bend over and pick something off the floor from a sitting position, or cross your legs, or not have your seat belt ride up over your belly while driving, or not have your tummy rub against the steering wheel, or wonder if you’re going to fit into the booth at a restaurant.  I could go on and on forever here with all those things but I won’t bore you.  Maybe someday I will post my ‘bucket list’ of things I can’t wait to do or experience when I am smaller.  It’s pretty personal, though, so we’ll see! 

Anywhoozle, my pretties (and handsomies, if you’re reading).  I need to go chew on my thoughts some more and get myself ready to embrace this new part of my emotional journey.   The countdown continues…..till next time!