So, here I am. Trying to get emotionally prepared for a surgery on October 20, 2011 that will completely change my life. No, it won’t make me magically happy – life still has its issues. I will still get mad at my wonderful hubby who doesn’t deserve it; I will still get frustrated at work; I will still wake up cranky as hell (never been a morning person); I will still worry about financial issues. But truly, my life will change in so many inconceivable ways.
At first, I was worried about the small, teeny-tiny chance something might happen to me on the operating table, depriving my child of his mommy. But logically I know how truly remote that is. And I have been so focused on the details – what I can and can’t eat after surgery; how long I’ll be on clears liquids, then full liquids, then mushies; what I can expect pain and discomfort-wise; preparing for the loss of comfort in not being able to eat when/what/how much I want. And honestly, I really think I am truly prepared for all of those little details. I imagined how it will be to fit in normal clothes, cross my legs, fit in the bathtub, etc, etc. But never once did I think about how my overall life will change.
Once I was approved by insurance and the surgery (just this week) I realized what my true fears were. Now let me note that I am a pretty strong woman, not easily brought down, or intimidated. I am not an anxious person by any means, I EMBRACE change (thank you, Mom, for instilling that in me!) and am almost always the calm, logical one in any situation. That being said – I realized with full force this week that my life as I have always known it will no longer be. It’s even taken me a few days to digest this – hence why I haven’t blogged till today. I have to be prepared to not be invisible anymore. I have to be prepared to not use my fatness as an excuse to not accomplish things – from things as simple to painting my living room, to maybe pursuing loftier job positions/promotions or taking my child to the park as often as I should. Hell, let’s be honest – to not even want to walk up the stairs to grab the laundry that I’ve needed to do for over a week or scrub the shower!!
I’m starting to come to the realization that the ONLY thing stopping me from doing or achieving many things was my weight, or at least I thought it was. Now that the weight will be gone, I actually need to LIVE. This is exciting on so many levels, but also frightening. I will have no more ‘insulation’, no more invisibility. I never in my life thought that I shrank from anything, but with the realization right here in front of me that I will be normal, thin, and healthy – it’s bringing up odd thoughts and realizations. I am an accomplished, intelligent woman, have always succeeded in obtaining whatever I wanted in life, so I never realized how much I let my fatness hide me from everything. Not that I wanted to hide me as I’m not a shrinking violet, but that I let it hold me back from so many things.
It’s like I told my mother, it’s going to be like living on the other side of the world for a while, or another planet. Those who have never been morbidly obese have NO idea what’s it like to live in our world. The things they take for granted, simple things, that we can’t do or avoid doing. Like being able to bend over and pick something off the floor from a sitting position, or cross your legs, or not have your seat belt ride up over your belly while driving, or not have your tummy rub against the steering wheel, or wonder if you’re going to fit into the booth at a restaurant. I could go on and on forever here with all those things but I won’t bore you. Maybe someday I will post my ‘bucket list’ of things I can’t wait to do or experience when I am smaller. It’s pretty personal, though, so we’ll see!
Anywhoozle, my pretties (and handsomies, if you’re reading). I need to go chew on my thoughts some more and get myself ready to embrace this new part of my emotional journey. The countdown continues…..till next time!
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