Need to gain control.....

Okay, so I need to get a grip.  I gotta tell you, I didn’t think I’d have such a hard time with the head hunger thing.  I mean, I KNEW it would be a hard transition, but I thought I would be able to overcome bad habits since this is the biggest and best chance I will EVER have to live a healthy, long life.  I didn’t think I would create NEW bad habits!!!!

If you remember in my last post, I mentioned this feeling that every time I ate, it felt like food was sitting in my esophagus – this odd pressure feeling.  Well, I believe this IS because I’m overeating and not because of any restriction.  Now, remember, my overeating is eating ½ cup instead of 1/3 cup   So I’m not gorging, but I do think I’m overeating.  The main problem is that my actual tummy never feels ’full’.  I don’t know if, since they cut out the stretchy part of the stomach (fundus), that they cut out the ‘stretch receptors’ that tell you when you’re full, but my tummy itself doesn’t feel full, but I know I’m full when there is food in the lower part of my esophagus.  This is not good since I’m now using this as a guide to feel full. 

Now, bring in the emotional, head hunger part of it.  It is hard to stop eating at only a 1/3 or ½ cup of food, especially when it tastes good.  We all know that, we all overeat when food is really good and poke it in till we are full, that’s why the obese get obese!   But in a way this is worse, because I only get a couple of nibbles in and then I HAVE to be done.  Which means I MENTALLY feel unsatisfied and incomplete.  I really, really need to get a grip on this because I have started ‘grazing’, or what I call ‘topping off’.  Like, I’ll eat a scrambled egg for breakfast, and I’ll have that full feeling (up top, not in my tummy), then in about 15 – 20 minutes, the pressure feeling goes away, then I’ll go take a couple more bites of something, seafood or chicken salad, or refried beans, till that pressure feeling comes back, etc, etc, all day!!  This is DISASTROUS!!  It’s been proven time and again that bariatric patients fail and gain back weight because they learn to graze to overcome the loss of bingeing.  They can’t eat huge amounts, so they eat little amounts constantly.  The other downside of this, is that because I’m always topping off, I can’t drink my fluids like I’m supposed to.  You’re not supposed to drink until ½ hour, 45 minutes after a meal, but I never let my little pouch empty like it should.  So, I’m not getting in enough water, either.  *SIGH*  This really is a transition and you really, really have to get over the fact that you will not feel mentally satisfied or replete at first, for a  while, until this becomes the new normal.  At least, I HOPE it’s temporary.  I’m also hoping it will get better when I can eat more substantial food, then food will stay in my tummy longer and hopefully I’ll feel fuller longer.  But again, most of it is mental and I need to overcome that full feeling with satisfaction and overall well-being.  I just need to eat to nourish myself and not for pleasure or comfort.  I will be able to enjoy wonderful food again, just not a lot, and I need to be okay with that.  I know I will be, but it’s tough right now!  Like an alcoholic with just a couple of drops of wine three times a day

So, all that being said, I need to gain control of this and gain control fast.  Yesterday I started doing what I am SUPPOSED to do.  Eat three meals a day, measure out my food and eat only what I measure out.  Small snacks in between meals, no more bites here and there.  And DRINK ½ hour after I eat.  So, breakfast at 8, drink, drink, drink.  If I get hungry before noon, I just drink some more.  Around 10, I can have a Laughing Cow wedge or something small.  Then more water/tea, then lunch, etc, etc.  NO MORE TOPPING OFF.  I need to get control of my new life and my new healthy eating habits now and not create new bad ones to overcompensate for my mental loss of large amounts of food.  I know I can do this.  Yesterday I did really well.  I also measured out less than ½ cup portions and stopped eating before I was done and the pressure feeling wasn’t as bad and even non-existent in some cases.  I actually enjoyed it, the structure and the feeling over control over food instead of the other way around.  I think I’ve been lackadaisical and unstructured because I’m still just a little over two weeks out and I tell myself, “Oh, you can only have pureeds, so it’s not that bad…once you can eat real food, you’ll figure it out, yada, yada, yada”.  But those are excuses.  I need to get into a routine and pattern now to get the most weight loss I can in the first year, the Honeymoon period, as they call it. 

Now, Mom, don’t worry….I’ll be fine and I will overcome this and figure it out (I know she’s reading this and worried about me….she always did wonder how I would be satisfied on so little food…she knows me).  It’s not as bad as it sounds….it’s just trying to find different ways to think about things and recognizing the emotions that go into eating, the pleasure, the flavors, etc, and constantly telling yourself, I am fine, I am full, I AM satisfied….until it becomes second nature and you’re not left with the wanting feeling.  None of us would have ever become fat if we had healthy relationships with food, so now I need to get some good self-therapy to find my happy places that don’t include food  

Till next time, all.  I’ll keep you posted on my journey!!  Any comments, insights, suggestions, smacks upside the head, are welcome!  Is anyone even reading this??  Have a great day and I’ll talk at you soon!