Holidays and TURKEY!!!!

Disclaimer - not MY turkey!

So, you’re not going to believe what I did.  Or, for those of you that know me, you will!  I know that since I’m having my surgery on the 20^th, I will not be able to ever again pig out on Thanksgiving. No two plates of food, going back to the kitchen to pick at the turkey and stuffing multiple times, having another mini-plate later in the evening, punkin pie, and God forbid, no more turkey bun sammiches!!!! (Can you tell those are my favorite?) 

I have thought long and hard about what it will be like with the loss of food after my new ‘birthday’.  Will I really miss eating a big ole’ cheeseburger and fries?  No.  Will I miss eating half a pizza?  No.  Will I really miss eating anything in large quantities and will this depress me and make me feel deprived?  No, I really don’t think so.  I thought it would at first, but the closer I have come in this long journey, I am really, truly looking forward to being FREE from food for the first time in my life.  I no longer have to wonder 'If I order this, will it be ENOUGH'.  'Is that ENOUGH food on my plate?’  ‘Will there be ENOUGH food at so-and-so’s dinner?’  My Grandma thinks I starved to death in a previous life and I think she’s right!  I know with the sleeve, I can have whatever I want, whenever I want, just in MUCH smaller quantities.  There are no ‘forbidden foods’.  Like with the band, you will probably never eat bread or pasta again – not for me.  Dumping syndrome with bypass.  And don’t even get me started on other diets in which you can have celery and water and that’s it!!  Even all those multiple times I was on Weight Watchers, I was sad I couldn’t have an avocado ‘cause it would blow nearly my whole day’s points! 

The main reason I am having this surgery is so I can be NORMAL.  My mother, bless her little soul, is thin and healthy, always has been.  There are many, many naturally thin people in the world who are ‘allowed’ to have a small slice of cake at a birthday party.  Or who can have some chips and dip at a party.  Or who can go out to eat in a restaurant and indulge once in a while.  Granted, this is all in moderation.  They don’t feel constantly guilty about what they put in their mouths.  They don’t beat themselves up and go flog themselves in the bathroom with the scale the next morning.  They are normal and FREE from food.  Now, I know it’s not nirvana for them.  They do think, hmmm, I probably shouldn’t eat this – but it’s not near the guilt and remorse I feel.  And with the sleeve, I believe I can enjoy those things every once in a great while, too, and not feel like I’m going to Dieter’s Hell for falling off the wagon, YET AGAIN!  When you’re fat, it’s like you’re an alcoholic – can’t just have one beer, ever.  Can’t just have one chip, ever.  Or sakes alive, don’t go out to eat and order something unhealthy off the menu!  No way, not EVER AGAIN.  You have to change your eating habits FOREVER. 

Before everyone yells at me and tells me that having this surgery does not mean you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, let me say I realize that.  I know, and have every intention, of eating healthy and making the oft-quoted ‘lifestyle change’.  Eating my lean protein and veggies is top priority because when you can only fit ½ to 1 cup in your gullet, you better make it nutritionally count.  But I can tell you, when I do indulge (and I will, like a NORMAL person) I know every little bite, every little morsel, every little flavor nuance will be savored and enjoyed.  Unlike now, when I can Hoover through a meal and barely taste it, like when you throw a raw piece of meat at a dog!  I know if I go out to eat, I can order something I truly enjoy and have FOUR dinners from it, not just one, inhaled in a hurry.  I will not feel deprived, or upset.  I will be FREE!  I know there will some transition difficulties, I’m not naïve.  I am breaking a lifetime’s worth of habits and comforts, almost overnight.  And I’m being forced to do so, in a way, because of the choice I made.  There will be some frustration, but in the long run it will all settle down and I will finally, hopefully, have a healthy relationship with food (just remind me of this 3-4 weeks after surgery, K, when it’s supposedly the worst!!  Or, I’ll print this and put it up everywhere I can see it!)

So that brings us to TURKEY.  I did realize I would miss Thanksgiving dinner and the assorted orgasmic leftover treats and rituals that go with it.  So, what did I do?  I cooked a big turkey dinner this weekend!  Yep, that’s right, a 22-lb turkey, replete with stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, bacon green beans, buns, punkin pie – THE WORKS!  And, man, was it good.  We’re still eating off that bird.  And, I made a big pot of broth and soup off the carcass to freeze for after the surgery!  And you know what, NOW I am settled.  Now I know I can sit with my family and enjoy Thanksgiving and not feel remorse that I can’t eat like I used to.  Not that I’m sure I would have, but now I know I won’t.  That was truly the only thing I knew I would miss, and with it being so close after surgery, I may not even be able to choke down solids by then.  So, we had an early Thanksgiving!  And I’m glad I did it.  Not an ounce of guilt, and not one pound gained, either!  Amazing. 

So, here’s to my new life (raising a drumstick in a toast), and to everyone out there who is ‘listening’ to my ramblings.  I truly think I am ready for this.  Then again, those who had the surgery says you are never ready, you really can’t prepare for the roller coaster I will be on.  It’s like pregnancy, you can go to Lamaze classes, visit the hospital, read a library full of books, but when the labor pains start, Whoa Nelly, what the hell was that and WHAT was I thinking??!! 

So, we’ll see.  I’m buckled in and the car is ratcheting up the first hill; click, click, click…nearing the top in a few weeks….no butterflies yet in my tummy, but I know they will come! 

And I’m so glad you are here with me……

Fears, Musings, Ramblings....

So, here I am.  Trying to get emotionally prepared for a surgery on October 20, 2011 that will completely change my life.  No, it won’t make me magically happy – life still has its issues.  I will still get mad at my wonderful hubby who doesn’t deserve it; I will still get frustrated at work; I will still wake up cranky as hell (never been a morning person); I will still worry about financial issues.  But truly, my life will change in so many inconceivable ways. 

At first, I was worried about the small, teeny-tiny chance something might happen to me on the operating table, depriving my child of his mommy.  But logically I know how truly remote that is.  And I have been so focused on the details – what I can and can’t eat after surgery; how long I’ll be on clears liquids, then full liquids, then mushies; what I can expect pain and discomfort-wise; preparing for the loss of comfort in not being able to eat when/what/how much I want.  And honestly, I really think I am truly prepared for all of those little details.  I imagined how it will be to fit in normal clothes, cross my legs, fit in the bathtub, etc, etc.  But never once did I think about how my overall life will change. 

Once I was approved by insurance and the surgery (just this week) I realized what my true fears were.  Now let me note that I am a pretty strong woman, not easily brought down, or intimidated. I am not an anxious person by any means, I EMBRACE change (thank you, Mom, for instilling that in me!) and am almost always the calm, logical one in any situation.  That being said – I realized with full force this week that my life as I have always known it will no longer be.  It’s even taken me a few days to digest this – hence why I haven’t blogged till today.   I have to be prepared to not be invisible anymore.  I have to be prepared to not use my fatness as an excuse to not accomplish things – from things as simple to painting my living room, to maybe pursuing loftier job positions/promotions or taking my child to the park as often as I should.  Hell, let’s be honest – to not even want to walk up the stairs to grab the laundry that I’ve needed to do for over a week or scrub the shower!!

I’m starting to come to the realization that the ONLY thing stopping me from doing or achieving many things was my weight, or at least I thought it was.  Now that the weight will be gone, I actually need to LIVE.  This is exciting on so many levels, but also frightening.  I will have no more ‘insulation’, no more invisibility.  I never in my life thought that I shrank from anything, but with the realization right here in front of me that I will be normal, thin, and healthy – it’s bringing up odd thoughts and realizations.  I am an accomplished, intelligent woman, have always succeeded in obtaining whatever I wanted in life, so I never realized how much I let my fatness hide me from everything.  Not that I wanted to hide me as I’m not a shrinking violet,  but that I let it hold me back from so many things. 

It’s like I told my mother, it’s going to be like living on the other side of the world for a while, or another planet. Those who have never been morbidly obese have NO idea what’s it like to live in our world.  The things they take for granted, simple things, that we can’t do or avoid doing.  Like being able to bend over and pick something off the floor from a sitting position, or cross your legs, or not have your seat belt ride up over your belly while driving, or not have your tummy rub against the steering wheel, or wonder if you’re going to fit into the booth at a restaurant.  I could go on and on forever here with all those things but I won’t bore you.  Maybe someday I will post my ‘bucket list’ of things I can’t wait to do or experience when I am smaller.  It’s pretty personal, though, so we’ll see! 

Anywhoozle, my pretties (and handsomies, if you’re reading).  I need to go chew on my thoughts some more and get myself ready to embrace this new part of my emotional journey.   The countdown continues…..till next time!

Let's Back Up a Little....Where it all Started....

So, as I was floating in my mother's womb, all bathed in warm amniotic fluid - NO, just kidding....sheesh, not THAT far back......

Seriously,  I could go on and on about how I've been fat my whole life (which I have), and talk about the many, many, many diets I have been on (too many to count - my mother put me on Weight Watchers for the first time at 13:) and I could tell you of all my struggles and hurts and insults over the years of having to live in my fat suit - the endless taunts in elementary school, all the real and imagined slights and inability to gain access into the cool circles in junior high, the loss of real high school experiences like boyfriends, dances, prom, sports, etc.  

But I'm not gonna go there.  Anyone reading this who is heavy knows inside and out what it's like to live life as a fat person - the invisibility, the despair, the unhappiness, the trying to hide to avoid the pitying looks.  The use of humor to deflect all this from yourself.  I am not going to dwell on all that.  Many, many books and blogs have described all this in detail.  I am going to tell you I am so very lucky and so very blessed.  I was able to fulfill my life’s dream of having a beautiful child despite severe PCOS and infertility;  I have found a beautiful, wonderful, sensitive, thoughtful, completely giving man to share my life with (after one miserable failed marriage, I got a second chance and it’s better than I could have imagined!)  I have a fantastic job, a beautiful house, and am pretty settled.  Except for the proverbial white elephant in the room (wearing 4X shirts and size 24 pants!)

Ten years ago I looked into the LapBand as a weight loss surgery option, but knew I’d never be able to afford it.  Then, my hubby (Fuzz) got hired at a large company (they build airplanes in the Seattle area….hmmmm) whose insurance covers bariatric surgery.  Hello?? Say again??  For real!!!???  So in March of this year, I started the process to have the Band.  Make a long story short, they had a 3-month medical supervised weight loss plan you had to follow as one of their requirements, which they changed to 6 months in the middle of my process.  Then I found out that my chosen surgeon wasn’t a preferred provider and I would be responsible for 40% of a $20K surgery.  I don’t know about you folks, but I sure don’t have that kind of moola laying around!  So, I switched surgeons and then learned about the sleeve (cue angelic hymnal music here).  I won’t go on and on about the benefits of the sleeve over the band.  Again, you can go to www.verticalsleevetalk.com and look up band to sleeve revisions and you will learn all you need to know!

I have to apologize for the length of these posts...man, I thought I wouldn't know what to write about!  I promise they'll get shorter as I get all the preliminary crap off my chest!  So, till next time, my little lovies....I know you will be waiting with bated breath for my next installment of cliff-hanging, thought-provoking, literary magic!!  *snicker*

Buckle Up, Please, this ride's not for sissies!

Oh, man.  I've gone and done it.  I've actually jumped through all the hoops and prequalifications to have someone put robotic arms into my abdominal cavity, place a line of thousands of titanium staples in my stomach, and then remove about 85% of that same stomach. 

And this is by choice!  By choice, do you hear!  No, I'm not crazy, not off the deep end, not cockoo for Cocoa Puffs.....I'm just desperately, unhappily, unhealthily (that even a word?) morbidly obese.  (oooohhhh, I said it.......)

Soooooo, I've decided to do something about it....maybe some would think it's drastic, I happen to think it's necessary.  I've decided to have the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG).  What's that, you ask?  Instead of going into a long, medical discussion, here is a link describing what it is VSG Info and Video.  In a nutshell, about 85% of the larger part of the stomach is removed, leaving a banana-like shape behind, removing the part of the tummy that produces most of the body's ghrelin (hunger hormone) and also the most stretchy part of  the stomach (you know...the part that allows us to eat 2 lbs of turkey, mounds of stuffing and mashed potatoes and green bean casserole at Thanksgiving, along with half a punkin' pie with whipped cream!?)

   

What's left is a little banana shaped tube (or sleeve) that only holds about 1/2 cup of food with a resting diameter of about a quarter.  This is where some people think I've gone off my rocker.....my Mother among them!!  Don't get me wrong, my Mother is all for this and me getting healthy, she just can't fathom her 5'10" 300 lb daughter only eating a half cup of food!!  And she's only 5'4", poor little bitty thing.  Still can't figure out where the hell I came from :) More on all that later...*sigh* so much to say in so little space!  And here I thought I would have nothing to write about!!! 


Second disclaimer: for anyone wanting more info about VSG, specifically from those who have had it done and those waiting to have it done, please visit www.verticalsleevetalk.com.  This online forum is absolutely amazing.  Shout out to my VST peeps here :)  

So, here I am.  October 20, 2011 is the start date of the rest of my life.  I am going to try and blog about my experience along the way.  I honestly don't know how consistent I'm going to be, but I'm sure going to try.  There's nothing I hate more than getting into a good weight loss surgery (WLS) blog and someone posted five times, then never again.  I also want to do this so I can look back and see my progress, my struggles, failures, successes, fears, accomplishments...well, you get the idea.  I also have to give another shout out to someone who doesn't even know I exist.  It's the wonderful lady of the "Once Upon a Time in the Land of Cheese and Sunkist" http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/.  Amy, you inspired more than you can ever, ever imagine and I will ALWAYS be thankful to you for your honesty and humor.  

Along those lines, I am going to apologize in advance, for I will be brutally honest about my journey, all good things and bad.  There will probably be some profanity along the way, when I am frustrated and hurting.  I can guarantee, it won't always be sunshine, rainbows, and little ponies.  Life isn't like that, and neither will my weight loss surgery journey.  I know some may get offended, or be horrified at my TMI posts, but really, if you will be scarred and traumatized for life, then please refrain from reading further.  All who know me and love me know I am very blunt and open and honest.  But I am also funny, loving, and ever optimistic. 

So, if you're with me....get into my Cupcake Dreams roller coaster, strap in (I have belt extenders if you need them *snicker*) and get ready to come with me for the trip of my life.  I hope to amuse, educate, entertain, and support. 

Heerreeeee we goooooooooooooooooooo!!!......